Yosho's Seven
by Galaxy1001D
Summary: In the third century of Earth's second calendar Tenchi Masaki and his family have been convicted for crimes they didn't commit. Can the famous revolutionary Yosho turn a ragtag group into a resistance movement? Race to adventure, standard by ten!
1. I'm Coming Back

**Yosho's Seven**

By Galaxy 1001D

"_Tenchi Muyo" and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer/Funamation. "Blakes Seven" all related material are © BBC. This parody has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer/Funimation, the BBC, the author, or this website._

_Based on "Blake's Seven" created by Terry Nation_

_And "Tenchi Muyo" created by Masaki Kajishima_

_This story is dedicated to __Morgeil__, without whose support this story would not exist._

_Chapter One: I'm Coming Back_

In the third century of the second calendar there was a band of revolutionaries who dared to combat the corrupt and decrepit Terran Federation. Led by the legendary warrior, Yosho, these rebels spread hope and freedom throughout the galaxy. Here is their tale…

The cameras never stopped watching. They were everywhere. In all public buildings, on city streets, everywhere. No effort was made to hide them. After a while people stopped seeing them.

One person who didn't see them was an old man named Katsuhito Yosho. Despite his many years, his posture was perfectly erect, his movements steady and his mind sharp. His steely maroon eyes were hidden behind a set of spectacles and his iron gray hair was tied back in a ponytail. He didn't dress extravagantly the way most alpha grades did. He simply wore a white robe known as a _gi_.

He was accompanied by his grandson, Tenchi, a teenage boy whose good looks and slender build made him look slightly effeminate. "She should be around here somewhere," the boy said.

"This new girlfriend of yours is even worse than the old one," Katsuhito grumbled. "She may not be as pushy as Ayeka is, but she's still a nut."

"Sakuya said that she recognized you," Tenchi insisted. "She said that this is important, that it could clear up a lot of questions that you've had for years."

"Yes, but such bizarre instructions," the old man muttered. "Are you sure she's not involved in something illegal?"

"No!" the boy exclaimed hotly. "Sakuya's not that kind of girl!"

"Very well," Katsuhito sighed.

At that moment, a short pale girl with dark hair approached them. "Tenchi, Lord Yosho," she greeted the pair of them. "I'm so glad you agreed to meet me! Did you follow my instructions?"

"About not eating or drinking for twenty-four hours?" Tenchi replied. "Yeah we did that."

"Okay, then," the girl's green eyes shone with triumph. "How do you feel?"

"Hungry and thirsty," Katsuhito grumbled.

"No," Sakuya insisted. "I mean does your mind feel clearer?"

"If my mind was clear I wouldn't have let the two of you talk me into this," the old man muttered.

"I'm sorry about the fasting," Sakuya apologized, "it's just that they drug the food and water to pacify the population. You had to avoid food and drink to let it pass from your system."

"Whatever," Tenchi's grandfather snorted. "So what proof of the Federation's corruption do you have anyway? We already know that there was a lot of bad apples in Servelan's administration, but now that Kagato is president, he's promised us reform."

"Kagato isn't any different than Servelan," Sakuya assured him. "He just waited for his chance and struck when the time came. Come on, it's too public out here, follow me."

The girl led the duo out of the geodesic dome that covered the city through the maintenance tunnels.

"I don't suppose it's worth reminding you that it is illegal to leave the city without permission," the old man grumbled.

"Nearly anything that will show you the truth is illegal," Sakuya replied.

* * *

Outside the countryside was surprisingly green. Both Tenchi and Katsuhito had assumed that there was nothing but trackless desert outside, but instead there were green fields and trees. Since it was night, it was hard to determine how far the greenery went.

In the darkness, there were people milling about. Sakuya introduced them to a portly bald old man who seemed even older than Katsuhito. "This is Dokuzen Tsuchida," Sakuya explained. "He can fill you in on your past."

"Yosho!" the old man greeted Tenchi's grandfather. "Good to see you. It's been a long time." Katsuhito simply gave him a blank look. "Dokuzen Tsuchida," Dokuzen persisted. "Oh! Stupid of me. You don't remember. You had the treatment."

"What are you talking about?" Katsuhito put his hands on his hips. "I haven't had any treatments. I'm as healthy as a man half my age."

"Now, now, now," Dokuzen held up his hands in a placating gesture. "I know, I know, it's difficult for you. Then, too, it's difficult for those of us who knew you before. But the important thing is, you're here. Now, I want you to listen to what I have to tell you. After that you can do whatever you like."

"All right," Katsuhito crossed his arms and tapped his foot. "Now what do you know about my family?"

"Your family didn't die in a starcruiser accident," Dokuzen said in a curt voice. "They were murdered."

"Excuse me?" Katsuhito's eyebrows raised in disbelief.

"As a matter of fact, you don't even remember your real parents," Dokuzen continued. "Your identity was completely rewritten when you were a young man. You were given a wife and a new background to make sure the false memories weren't rejected."

"Are you out of your mind?" Tenchi's grandfather snapped. "I've got holograms of me with my parents. They were real."

"Those holos are fakes," Dokuzen explained. "Part of the treatment to keep your memory suppressed. Now, this isn't going to be easy for you, but I'm going to have to tell you things about yourself of which you have no memory. Will you hear me out?"

"Go on," Katsuhito prodded.

"Thirty years ago, there was a good deal of discontent with the Administration," the old man explained. "There were many activist groups. But the only one that really meant anything was led by Katsuhito Yosho. You and I worked together. We were outlawed and hunted. But we had supporters and we were making progress. Then someone betrayed us, I still don't know who. You were captured. So were most of our followers. They could have killed you. But that would have given the Cause a martyr. So instead they put you into intensive therapy. They erased areas of your mind, they implanted new ideas. They literally took your mind to pieces and rebuilt it. And when they'd finished, they put you up and you confessed. You said you'd been "misguided." You appealed to everyone to support the Administration, round up the traitors. Oh, they, they did a good job on you. You were very convincing. And then they took you back and erased even that."

"What happened to the others?" Katsuhito asked.

"Executed," Dokuzen explained. "Quietly."

"Why are you telling me all this?" Katsuhito inquired.

"We're planning to move again," Dokuzen replied. "After the pasting the Federation received at the hands of the Andromedans, a lot of worlds declared their freedom. But now the Federation has developed some new mind control drug. They slip it into the air, into the water, into the food. It completely takes away a man's will to fight. People are becoming sheep."

"Aren't there other revolutionaries?" Katsuhito asked flippantly. "I heard that Roj Blake came back from the dead a few years back. Why don't you call him?"

"For all we know Roj Blake died fighting the Andromedans," Dokuzen admitted. "So far not a single rumor of his reappearance has panned out. The people need a leader, Yosho. They need a symbol. They need you."

"They need someone that you don't have to be over fifty to recognize," Katsuhito grumbled. "Thanks but no thanks. I've got a grandson to think about, and I don't want him involved in any of your crazy ideas. If I want to fight the system, I'm going to do it legally." He looked around. "Tenchi!" he shouted. "We're leaving! Tenchi!"

Silhouetted by the moon Tenchi and Sakuya had their arms around each other, their lips locked in a passionate kiss.

"Tenchi! Boy!" Katsuhito shouted. "Enough of that! We're leaving! These people are nuts, and they're just going to get themselves arrested. We're going home!"

"Aww," Tenchi sighed as he pried himself away from Sakuya's embrace. "Okay grandpa. Sorry, Sakuya, gotta go."

* * *

Even when they got back into the city, Katsuhito couldn't stop his complaining. "I can't believe you talked me into going out of the city Tenchi," he grumbled as they both ate the nutrasoy bars they had picked up on the way home. "I don't want you seeing Sakuya anymore. The last thing you need is something like that on your permanent record. Did you know that you could get two years of jail time and reeducation for tonight?"

"I'm sorry grandpa," Tenchi muttered contritely.

They paused in front of a recyclo-trashcan. On the wall behind the trashcan was a large sign that had the message 'IT IS ILLEAGAL TO LITTER' printed in large bold letters. Tenchi finished his meal and tossed the wrapper into the waste receptacle.

"Sorry doesn't get it, boy!" his grandfather growled as he tossed his wrapper over his shoulder. The trash bounced off the trashcan and fell to the ground. "I have never broken a law in my life!" he cried jabbing his finger into Tenchi's chest. "Until now," he added. "Tonight I broke the law willfully and premeditatively. Nobody better find out about it. Now lets go home."

As they left, they didn't notice the camera watching them. Nobody did. Nobody even saw the cameras anymore. The camera focused on the piece of litter that the old man had carelessly left on the ground. The computer that controlled the camera had viewed the sign that stated 'IT IS ILLEAGAL TO LITTER'. Filtering out background noise, the computer reconstructed Katsuhito's words. "Tonight I broke the law willfully and premeditatively." The data was sent to another computer.

The second computer identified Tenchi's grandfather. SUBJECT: KATSUHITO YOSHO. KNOWN POLITICAL DISSIDENT. REPROGRAMMED WITH NEW IDENTITY. SUBJECT CONDITIONED TO OBEY ALL LAWS. HAS WILLFULLY AND PREMEDITATIVELY BROKEN THE LAW. CONSIDERED DANGEROUS. RECALL IMEDIATELY FOR DISPOSAL

* * *

That night, as Tenchi slept, a shadowy figure entered his room…

"Hiyee!" his grandfather cried, brandishing a wooden sword.

"Ahh!" Tenchi screamed as he rolled out of bed and grabbed a wooden sword of his own.

Soon the two of them were locked in combat. Even with the lights out, one could still hear their battle cries and the sounds of wood striking wood.

"Ha!" Katsuhito's voice boomed in the darkness. "You're getting slow, Tenchi! I thought I trained you better than that! I could hear the sound of my _bokken_ striking your skull just now!"

"It wasn't _my_ skull," Tenchi insisted. "This time I've been winning. I really got you good grandpa!"

"You hardly touched me!" the old man sneered in the dark. "Honestly, I thought you were getting better at fighting in total darkness than this. Lights!"

The lights came on to reveal several unconscious men on the floor.

"Grandpa!" Tenchi exclaimed. "Who are they?"

"They must be burglars!" the old man decided. "Find something to tie them up with while I go call the police!"

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Katsuhito came back into the room followed by several officers. "There they are officers," the old man gestured to the bound and bruised men. "Take them away." He strode up and bent over to address the only burglar who was awake and said. "I don't know what you hoped to accomplish and I don't care. You're all in big trouble."

"Uh, grandpa?" said an ashen-faced Tenchi. "I think we're the ones who are in trouble. I checked their ID's and these guys are Federation Security!"

"Uh-oh!" the old man's eyes widened in shock.

* * *

That morning, at the detention center, Katsuhito spoke to his lawyer.

"I've got good news," his lawyer smiled. "I've managed to get the assault charges against you dropped. I've convinced the judge that there is no way for someone of your advanced years could inflict so much damage on four healthy men. Your grandson is being charged with that."

"They entered my home without identifying themselves," the old man protested. "What were they doing there anyway?"

"Ah, I'm afraid there the news isn't so good," the lawyer blushed. "It seems that you've been arrested for possessing child pornography."

"What?" Yosho exclaimed. "You've got to be joking. I don't have any child pornography."

"They found your _Sailor Moon_ collection," the lawyer said gravely.

"So?"

"Sailor Moon is fourteen, and Tuxedo Mask, her primary love interest, is twenty. Need I go on?"

"Now wait a minute…!" the old man protested.

"Your _Pretty Sammy_ collection is pretty damning as well," the lawyer added.

"I only have three episodes of the OVAs!"

"In episode three Sammy dates a boy who is almost old enough for a college student to hit on," his lawyer explained. "Even though the boy was later revealed to be a sentient mass of goo, the creep factor is pretty high."

"I'm Japanese!" Yosho protested. "I watch animae! Lots of people do! Lots of animae is made in Japan! This is racial profiling!"

"I'm sorry," his lawyer blushed. "I'll do what I can."

* * *

As it turned out, his lawyer couldn't do much. In a few days Yosho and Tenchi were loaded onto the prison ship _London_ on their way to the penal colony of Cygnus Alpha.

"Good news," said Yosho's lawyer as the old man and his grandson were led onto the spaceship. "I managed to bargain your sentences down to life without the possibility of parole."

"Thanks for nothing," the old man grumbled.

"I'm sorry, Grandpa," Tenchi sighed. "If it makes you feel any better from now on I'm swearing off women."

"Kind of shutting the door after the horse gets out isn't it?" his grandfather said testily.

* * *

Tenchi and Yosho were crowded in with a bunch of other prisoners onto the prison ship. The guard assigning them to their seats made Tenchi think of a flight attendant with none of the chirpy polite manners all flight attendants have been trained in. "All right, come on, move," the burly guard ordered. "Keep moving. Come on, faster. Keep your voice down. Find the seat that's allocated to you and sit in it. Fasten the harness. Stand by for liftoff. Keep your voices down. You, fasten your harness. You, down in the front. That's your seat. Come on, move. You, stop talking. Fasten your harness."

"Its not so bad, Tenchi said hopefully to his grandfather. "At least our seats are by the window."

His grandfather simply looked out the porthole as Earth got farther away.

"Take a long look," growled the guard. "That's the last you'll ever see of it."

"No I'm coming back," the old man said curtly.

_Next: Space Fallout_


	2. Space Fallout

**Yosho's Seven**

By Galaxy 1001D

"_Tenchi Muyo" and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer/Funamation. "Blakes Seven" all related material are © BBC. Additional dialogue by Ben Elton, Richard Curtis, and Rowan Atkinson © BBC Enterprises Ltd. This parody has been written solely for entertainment. Additional material by Keith Giffen © DC Comics. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer/Funimation, the BBC, DC Comics, the author, or this website._

_Based on "Blake's Seven" created by Terry Nation _

_And "Tenchi Muyo" created by Masaki Kajishima _

_Chapter Two: Space Fallout_

The appearance of the current President of the Federation was strikingly different than his feminine predecessor. President Kagato was tall, his broad shoulders cloaked by an olive green cape. Under his billowing cape was a dark blue robe that was bisected by a thick purple stripe down the front. Only a thin three-pronged broach at his collarbone broke the stripe, although the purple stripe continued past up his high starched collar. His hair was a silver-gray and nearly matched the kidskin gloves he wore. Although clean-shaven, his sideburns were so long they drooped down to his shoulders like two ponytails. His bloodless face was deathly white. Dark, round-lensed pince-nez perched on the bridge of his nose. The pupils of his yellow eyes appeared to be blood red.

In the presidential palace back on Earth, President Kagato discussed appointments with an aide whose skull like face made him resemble the late Peter Cushing. "Let's see, we need someone to be the new Supreme Commander of our military forces. Any thoughts?"

"We'll have to be careful," his aide warned him. "Remember how much power Servalan seized during her tenure as Supreme Commander."

"I agree," Kagato smiled sardonically. "That is why I have a special person in mind for the appointment. What we need is an utter unknown yet someone over whom we have complete power. Someone with no mind, with no ideas of their own. One might almost say someone with no brain." With that the most powerful man in the Terran Federation picked up a silver dinnerbell and rang it.

The door to the parlor opened and in walked a beautiful girl wearing the colorful yet utilitarian uniform of a Presidential intern. Her lovely blonde hair was tied back in a ponytail, yet three large curls snaked loose, one at her forehead and one before each ear. Her skin was the bronze of someone who had received a healthy tan in the tropics, and her innocent blue eyes shone with naiveté. The new Supreme Commander's manner was bubbly and cheerful. She couldn't have been older than twenty-five, tops.

"May I introduce our new Supreme Commander of Federation Military Forces, Lady Mihoshi Kuramitsu!" Kagato announced with mock pride.

"What?" Mihoshi gasped. "Really? I'm the Supreme Commander? Oh thank you Mister President! You won't regret this! I'll do the best job that I can!"

"I'm sure you will my dear," Kagato smiled condescendingly. He handed her a yellow envelope. "This will confirm your appointment and get you through the red tape. Congratulations."

"Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" gushed Mihoshi as she clasped her hands and bowed repeatedly. "I'll make you proud!" she promised as she left the room, "You'll see!"

"How long do you think she'll last?" the aide asked President Kagato after the girl had left.

"I don't know," the President shrugged. "I give her about a week, tops."

* * *

Elsewhere in the city a slender yet buxom teenage girl with lavender hair was at her luxurious home talking to her sister. "I can't believe that Tenchi left me for that Sakuya tramp! When is he going to call me?"

Her sister, a nine-year-old girl with sky blue hair and bubblegum pink eyes shrugged as she petted a creature that looked like a cross between a kitten and a baby rabbit. "Search me, Ayeka," the child said. "Maybe the two of them are really hitting it off."

"Nonsense Sasami, there's not a chance," Ayeka shook her head. "That Sakuya woman is one of those crazy counterculture types. She thinks it's cool to rebel against the system, despite the fact that the system is still reeling from the Andromedan attack and is rebuilding itself. Tenchi is the most law-abiding boy in the known universe. He'll come around. I bet he'll wise up in less than a week."

"That's what you said a week ago," Sasami pointed out.

Ayeka's lovely face became red as she scowled darkly. "_He'll come around_," she insisted through clenched teeth. "Besides, even if he doesn't that Sakuya tramp will get herself arrested and then he'll have no choice but come crawling back to sweet conservative, law-abiding me."

"If you say so," Sasami said skeptically.

"I do. You know, I think I'll pass the time by reading the public arrest reports," Ayeka smiled darkly. "Who knows? Maybe Sakuya has already been arrested and is out of Tenchi's life right now? A-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"That laugh is creepy, Ryo-ohki," Sasami whispered to her pet.

"Meow," the cabbit nodded.

"Let's see," Ayeka said as she pulled out a palmtop computer that was connected to the public media networks. "Ryoko the space pirate sentenced to Cygnus Alpha, Herbert the Pervert arrested for assault and gross indecency, no mention of Sakuya Kumashiro, that's too bad…" Suddenly the purplehaired beauty's crimson eyes widened in shock as she leaped out of her chair. "Omigawd! Tenchi! He's been arrested for attacking Federation Secret Police! He's been tried and sentenced to Cygnus Alpha! We've got to rescue him!"

"Break Tenchi out of prison?" Sasami looked up from her pet. "But we've never broken a law in our lives!"

"We can't let him go to Cygnus Alpha!" Ayeka squawked. "I watched a movie of the week and it depicted that planet as a barren place where they just drop prisoners off to forget about them! Once he goes there he's never coming back!"

"But we don't know the first thing about breaking someone out of prison," Sasami insisted. "What about his grandfather? He's a dangerous warrior. He's the toughest man alive!"

"What makes you say that, Sasami?" Ayeka asked.

"Remember how hard he fought when Tenchi and Nobuyuki tried to put him in a home?" the little girl reminded her. "We should contact him. He'll know what to do."

"Okay," Ayeka nodded as she looked back at her palmtop. "I still can't believe that… Oh no! Sasami!"

"What is it?" asked the little girl.

"His grandfather!" Ayeka squeaked. "He's been sent to Cygnus Alpha for possession of child pornography!"

"I knew I shouldn't have lent Tenchi my collection of _Sailor Moon_ DVDs," Sasami sighed.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the depths of outer space, the prison ship _London_ continued its eight-month journey to the distant planet of Cygnus Alpha.

Tenchi awoke to feel a hand shaking him. After his experiences at the hands of Federation security, he lashed out without thinking.

"Hey!" a familiar voice exclaimed. "I don't like personal violence! Especially when I'm the person!"

"Dad!" Tenchi gasped in disbelief. "What are you doing here?"

"Nobuyuki, your son brings up a very good question," Yosho added. "I thought you had a cushy job in Tokyo monitoring cameras for Security."

"Well, uh, they got me on voyeurism charges," Nobuyuki blushed.

"Dad," Tenchi moaned. "You didn't use your position to spy on women, did you?"

"Everybody was doing it," Nobuyuki said in his defense, "but for some reason I was the only one singled out. I just can't understand it. Your grandfather's an Alpha! That should make us immune to anything, shouldn't it?"

"I'm afraid that I'm the reason for all of this," Katsuhito groaned. "You see, when I was young I was a political enemy of the Administration. They brainwashed me to publicly recant my beliefs and then gave me a whole new memory to make me forget. When I went to meet with Sakuya's political activist friends the Administration must have thought I was going back to my old ways. To keep me from becoming the next Roj Blake they concocted these ridiculous charges and shipped us all off to Cygnus Alpha."

"What?" Tenchi blinked. "How come I never heard of this? Why didn't you tell us?"

"I didn't remember myself until I got hit in the head when you guys tried to put me in that old folks home," his grandfather growled. "After that it all started coming back. I didn't want to endanger you two so I just pretended everything was normal."

"Why didn't they just kill you?" Nobuyuki asked.

"I guess they didn't want me to become a martyr," the old man shrugged. "Even if it looked like an accident, conspiracy theorists would never stop. You know how they are."

"From where I'm standing, it looks like they are one hundred percent correct," Tenchi groaned. "What are we going to do now?"

"Now Tenchi," Nobuyuki tried to keep his son's spirits up. "Don't give up hope. We'll think of something."

"This is _your_ fault," Tenchi grumbled. "If you hadn't introduced me to Sakuya we wouldn't be in this mess!"

"I thought I was doing you a favor," his father shrugged sheepishly. "I heard somewhere that those counterculture hippie girls are easy."

"Dad!" Tenchi gasped. "I'm shocked!"

"I just wanted my son to get some experience," Nobuyuki blushed. "Of course, where we're going we won't be getting any conjugal visits…"

"Except from some big guy we don't want one from," Yosho added. "Boy am I lucky that I'm old and crusty. I'd hate to be young and cute at a time like this!"

Tenchi gulped and looked around the room at the other inmates milling around the common room. "M-maybe there are women convicts too!" he said nervously.

"Boy I hope so!" Nobuyuki smiled. "You know this could be a new start for us! We could start another family on Cygnus Alpha! Maybe we could help build a new civilization on a brand new planet!"

"If we don't get shanked for our food in the meantime," Katsuhito pointed out grimly.

"Yeah, that…" Nobuyuki's smile vanished.

"Hey boy!" a mean voice called out. "Turn around! I've been watching that pretty little butt you got there and now I want to see your face!"

"Is he talking to me?" Nobuyuki gulped.

"He sure as hell isn't talking to _me_," Katsuhito said.

Tenchi gulped and looked behind him. A huge sumo wrestler sized man was approaching them with a knowing smirk on his face. "Oh no!" the boy gasped.

"Now Tenchi, remember your training," his grandfather hissed.

"Yeah," his father added. "If we can beat this guy, no one will mess with us."

"Okay," the boy nodded. "He looks big. We'll have to take him by surprise! Don't act tough or give us away!" Steeling his courage, Tenchi turned around to face his tormentor. "Uh… is there anything I can do for you, sir?" he said disarmingly while tensing his body and getting ready for battle.

"Yeah," said the brute. "You can get on your knees and work that pretty little mouth of yours!"

"Uh, how do I do that?" Tenchi asked as a sweat drop appeared on his temple. "Do you have a harmonica I can play or something? Heh-heh…" he laughed nervously.

"You wish, pencil-neck," the hulkish convict sneered.

"Hey!" a female voice called out. "Giganto! Maybe nobody told you the rules, but on this ship _I_ get first crack at the new meat!"

"Who said that?" the brute growled.

"Me," a slender yet shapely woman with wild cyan-white hair stepped forward arrogantly. She strode forward in perfect confidence as if she owned the place. "Let me let you in on a little fact, Tiny. What you got is mine if you don't want to get hurt. Now empty your pockets if you don't want things to get ugly."

The two meter tall ogre laughed. "And who's gonna make me, Precious, you? Tell you what: I've got something in my pocket and I'll be happy to give it to ya!"

"Oh, we got a comedian, huh?" the woman smiled dangerously and narrowed her golden topaz eyes. "Well that's okay because I love to laugh!" Before the trio's astonished eyes, she picked the hulking criminal up with one hand by the seam of his trousers. "Who's laughing now, funny man?" she sneered as the giant's eyes crossed and his legs dangled helplessly in the air.

Every convict in the room was frozen as they watched the woman pick up the biggest bruiser on the ship and throw him against the wall.

"Looks like your mommy didn't raise you right," the woman smirked as she clapped her hands to remove imaginary dust. "Okay, you mugs!" she shouted at the room. "Empty your pockets and give me all your cigarettes unless you want to join your overgrown friend here!"

The other passengers started searching their pockets to find something that would appease the woman who had the strength of Hercules.

"I uh… don't smoke," Tenchi mumbled.

"I don't either," the woman shrugged, "but ya gotta kick someone's butt if you don't wanna be a victim in this place." She turned and looked him up and down. "Hm, that guy may have been a freak but he did have good taste. Tell you what: If you're really nice I might do to you what he was going to have you do to him."

"What?" the boy blushed.

"I'm just pullin' your leg," she giggled as she put her arm around him and hugged him conspiratorially. "We gotta get to know each other first. I'm Ryoko by the way. The space pirate Ryoko. How do you do?"

"Ryoko?" Tenchi gasped. "The famous space pirate? I don't believe it! I always thought you'd be… older!"

"You're so sweet!" she gushed as she hugged him again, this time with a lot more affection. "You sure are a charmer, I gotta give you that!"

"What?" the boy stammered. "But I didn't mean… what I meant was…"

"I know what you meant," Ryoko smiled, "and I think it's sweet. A compliment is more genuine when it's accidental. So many people hate me that I'll take any compliment I can get. You know, it's a long voyage to Cygnus Alpha. Maybe we can get to know each other…"

At that moment, a bald, muscular inmate left the lavatory to brandish a sharpened piece of plastic bound in cloth. "I'm Herbert the Pervert and I'll slash any man who says different!" Herbert announced as he brandished his improvised knife.

"Excuse me, I've gotta take this call," Ryoko said to the blushing Tenchi. "Hey Herbie!" she shouted. "Different, different, different!"

_Next: Cygnus Almost_


	3. Cygnus Almost

**Yosho's Seven**

By Galaxy 1001D

"_Tenchi Muyo" and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer/Funimation. "Blakes Seven" all related material are © BBC. This parody has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer/Funimation, the BBC, the author, or this website._

_Based on "Blake's Seven" created by Terry Nation _

_And "Tenchi Muyo" created by Masaki Kajishima _

_Chapter Three: Cygnus Almost_

The _London_ sailed peacefully through space. From the outside, one couldn't tell that the vaguely toolbox shaped ship held some of the most dangerous convicts that Earth ever produced. On the cramped and crowded bridge was an older fireplug of a man and a skinny man in his twenties.

"Captain Leyland, we're getting a signal from up ahead," the young man said. "It's a distress signal, from a private yacht."

"I find that very unlikely, Mr. Artix," the captain said. "This isn't exactly the neighborhood for a pleasure cruise."

"Sir, according to regulations, we're supposed to respond to any distress signal we encounter," Artix pointed out.

"Yes, and we have a hold full of convicts," Leylan retorted. "I just hope that nobody in the hold has friends on the outside that are willing to free them."

"Let me see what the detectors say," Artix said as he looked at his datascreen. "It's a registered craft sir, the _Ryu-oh_, registered to the Jurai family of Earth. It's quite impressive sir. _Tsunami_ class. I hear those things can go time-distort eight for a year at a time."

"And we can barely push time-distort five," Leyland grunted. "Here we are on a civil administration ship, and they let this old tub deteriorate, while some rich alpha spends enough to feed a colony world on a toy that can go time-distort ten in a pinch. It just isn't fair."

"No sir," Artix said curbing his enthusiasm.

"Contact them," Leyland sighed. "We might as well get this over with."

"This is Civil Administration Ship _London_," Artix said into a microphone. "We are in transit from Earth to Cygnus Alpha, transporting prisoners to the penal colony. How can we be of service?"

"Oh thank heavens!" a flutelike female voice responded. "Thank goodness someone is out there! We're lost! There's something wrong with the navigational computer or something! Please, can you help us get back to Earth? We're stuck out here!"

"We're homing in on your signal," Artix assured her. "Hang on, _Ryo-oh_."

* * *

Onboard the _Tsunami_ class space yacht _Ryo-oh_, Sasami expressed her doubts to her sister. "Are you sure about this, Ayeka?"

"Of course, Sasami," Ayeka assured her. "It's one of the most classic military tactics in history. It's bound to work."

"If it's such a classic, won't they recognize it?" the child asked.

"Er…" Ayeka had no answer for that one.

* * *

"Pleasure craft _Ryo-oh_, we are picking up two life forms on our detectors," Artix said into the microphone. "Request visual confirmation of said life forms, over."

"Very well, just a minute," Ayeka sang. On Artix's monitor was a slender but curvaceous teenage girl with purple hair in a pageboy haircut. She was dressed in an elaborate reddish pink kimono with yellow and blue stripes. With her was a little girl whose skyblue hair was bound in two long ponytails by invisible cords capped by two large ruby red spheres at the base of each tail. "Here we are, just me and my sister, is that what you wanted?" the teenager asked.

"Thank you, _Ryo-oh_," Artix sighed. "Stand by." He looked at his captain. "They seem harmless enough. No explosives or energy weapons found on the detectors."

"With the detectors _we_ have that doesn't mean anything," Leyland grunted. "This ship should have been retired ages ago, but nobody cares. Nobody cares anymore. Oh well, they seem genuine enough. Send a boarding party to them as soon as we've docked. Keep the prisoners under guard. Once they realize we've docked to another ship they may decide to try something."

* * *

Meanwhile, in the passenger hold of the _London_, Tenchi and his family were getting to know Ryoko.

"So, uh, what's with the super strength?" Tenchi asked. "There must be a real interesting story behind that."

Ryoko let out a sigh and looked away. Scowling, she looked back at Tenchi. "All right, if you must know I'm an alien, okay?"

"An alien?" Tenchi's eyes widened. "Really? What planet?"

"I don't know," Ryoko sighed. "When I was discovered at the orphanarium I was in a basket with a message written in Alienese."

"Alienese?" Tenchi repeated.

"Yeah, it's my nickname for the weird symbols that were written on the note. So I grew up with whitish hair, golden eyes, and super strength. And that's not all, get a load of these ears!" She pushed her wild cyan-white hair away to reveal a large, flappy, almost pointed ear that twitched as if it had a mind of its own. "I've been stuck with these my entire life! Thank gawd when I grew up my beautiful body distracted everybody. I still have to style my hair like I was Goku from _Dragon Ball Z_. Keeps people from staring."

Tenchi couldn't help but look at Ryoko's large ears. Strange that he hadn't noticed them before. He smiled. "I think that they're beautiful."

"What? Really?" Ryoko asked guardedly.

"Sure, they make you unique," Tenchi replied. The rest of us are all the same. It's refreshing to be someone who stands out in a crowd. Have you ever tried to figure out where you come from?"

"Oh yeah, off and on, but none of the leads ever pan out," Ryoko sighed. She looked away with a dreamy look in her eyes. "Sometimes I imagine that I'm an alien princess, and that my parents are searching the galaxy for me… And other times I wonder if my planet was destroyed and if I'm truly all-alone. You know how it goes."

"I can imagine," he nodded. "Hey, are we slowing down?" he asked as he looked around.

"I thought it was eight months to Cygnus Alpha," his father added. "Why are we dropping to sublight speed now?"

"I hope that we really are going to Cygnus Alpha and the captain hasn't decided to save himself some fuel by killing us and disposing of our bodies in outer space," Yosho remarked grimly.

"Grandpa, I'm shocked!" Tenchi shuddered. "Do you think that they'd really do that?"

"How should I know?" the old man shrugged. "It wouldn't be the first time the Administration has condoned mass murder. Officially, we're being abandoned on Cygnus Alpha forever. Only the paperwork says we actually got there, and the only ones to fill it out are on this ship."

"If that's what they're planning, they better be prepared to take casualties," Ryoko growled. "They aren't getting rid of me without a fight!"

* * *

Outside, the _London_ pulled up alongside the _Ryu-oh_ and used its thrusters to come to a halt. Then a boarding tube extended between the two ships. Near the airlock, Leyland was briefing three armed men wearing helmets and vests. "Remember, be polite, but don't let them distract you," the crusty captain instructed. "These people may be innocent, but it may be a trick, so keep your eyes open. Once you've verified that everything's secure we can send technicians in to see what we can do for them, but until then you'll have to treat them as a potential threat, got that?"

"Yes sir," the tall bearded man replied.

"The boarding tube is pressurized sir," another crewman informed them.

"Good," Leyland nodded. "Go on, and maintain radio contact."

The airlock door opened to reveal two underage girls. One was the teenager with the purple hair. Up close it was revealed that her lavender locks weren't in a pageboy cut but bound in two long ponytails snaking down her back all the way to her ankles. The other was a nine year old whose sky-blue hair was bound in one ponytail on the left side of her head and the rest of her azure tresses cascaded down her back. Both of them were dressed in a kimono-like jacket called an _uwagi_ in complete with matching trousers called _zubon_. Sashes called _obi_ secured the long pleated skirtlike garments called _hakama _to their waists and at peaking out at the bottom of their concealed legs were _jika-tabi_, the split toe soft boots known in the west as 'tabi boots'.

What really got the crew of the _London_'s attention was that both of these girls were armed with what appeared to be wooden weapons. The teen had a sword that looked like a wooden replica of a _katana_, perhaps it was a _bokken_ or some kind of practice sword. The child had a slender quarterstaff topped on each end with bright red spheres just like the sphere at the base of her light blue ponytail.

With ferocious shrieks the two innocent looking girls attacked the quartet with such speed and ferocity that no one could react. The teenager stuck the first guard with such fury that she knocked his helmet off his head. The child managed to disarm the other two with her staff and then struck one in the crotch of his trousers and the second one right in the face. With acrobatic grace the two females had disarmed the men and knocked them off their feet. Leyland himself was knocked out by a blow from the teenager.

As Ayeka used her _bokken_ to beat the downed men into unconsciousness, Sasami plunged her staff into an electronic panel in the wall. A flash and explosion from the damaged circuitry would have blinded the girl had she not looked away.

* * *

On the bridge, Artix exclaimed in horror, "We've lost cameras at the airlock! Security, get to airlock two immediately!"

* * *

"Quickly, Sasami!" Ayeka gasped as she dragged the limp but burly form of Captain Leyland down the corridor. "I think this is the captain! He'll be able to open the doors for us!"

"All right," Sasami nodded as she tucked one of the guards' light carbines in Ayeka's sash and kept one of them herself.

* * *

As guards assembled in the armory, Mr. Artix briefed them. "There are at least two. We know that they're armed, and completely psychotic. Be careful and don't take anything for granted!"

The door hissed open and a spinning acrobatic figure leaped into the room. As one, all of the men turned and fired their weapons. A line of holes appeared at chest level on the opposite wall, but none of the shots hit their target. The smoke cleared to reveal a tiny nine-year-old girl with sky blue hair brandishing a carbine of her own. She was so little that every shot they fired missed her completely. The child fired her gun at the ceiling, shattering every light panel and plunging the room into darkness.

"Lights!" Artix cried futilely, but there were no intact lights to respond. Shots were fired, but Artix shouted. "Stop firing you fools! You'll hit each other!"

Sasami rolled out the armory firing her gun at the palm scanner by the door as she did so. As the door hissed shut behind her, the only way for those inside to open the door sputtered, hissed and threw sparks that provided the only illumination in the room.

* * *

Meanwhile inside the prison hold Tenchi, Nobuyuki, Yosho and Ryoko commented on the strange sounds they heard.

"What's going on?" Tenchi cried. "Are those alarms? It sounds like gunfire!"

The door to the hold hissed open and a group of black clad guards strode in brandishing their weapons. "All right you lot, get back in your seats!" a large burly guard commanded in a lower class British accent. "Move it right now, or else we'll fire!"

"They're going to kill us!" Ryoko cried as she seized a nearby serial rapist by the throat and the trousers to hurl him across the room and into the guards.

"Ryoko, no!" Tenchi cried but it was too late. The prisoner bowled over three of the guards, but the remaining ones started firing into the prisoners.

"Tenchi, get down!" his grandfather shouted as he tackled Nobuyuki and dropped prone.

In the hallway, Ayeka used a combination of karate and aikido to subdue any opponents she encountered. "Hiya!" she cried as she executed a diagonal knifehand strike to the side of a guard's neck, completely bypassing the vest and openfaced helmet he used for armor. As the first guard gagged and fell to the ground, the girl siezed and twisted the arm of the next guard, causing him to drop his weapon. She headbutted him in the nose, and pushed him into the next guard who was trying to get a clear shot at her. She then did a sommersault ending with both feet into the next guards' face.

In the hold it was a complete free-for-all. The convicts, convinced that the guards were going to kill them regardless of their actions, threw themselves at the crewmen only to be cut down. Tenchi, Nobuyuki, and Yosho lay flat on the floor to avoid being hit as Ryoko leaped up, flipped, and jumped off the walls in order to attack the guards and avoid being hit.

"Ahh!" Tenchi screamed. "Grandpa! What do we do?"

"Close your eyes," Nobuyuki moaned, "so you don't see it coming!"

"Remember your training, and wait for your chance," the old man hissed.

In a corridor, Sasami used her staff to pole vault over a guard, spin through the air and land behind him. She spun around to use her staff to trip him and thrust at his unprotected face when he landed on his back.

"Now!" Yosho shouted as he rolled to his feet. He caught a guard with an inverted grip of his opponent's wrist, and twisted the arm while he applied downward pressure on the elbow. The guard dropped his gun while Yosho elbowed him in head before punching him in the face.

Tenchi spun on the ground using his legs to trip a second guard. He rolled on top of the downed guard and used his elbow to jab at the guard's face. When that wasn't sufficient to disable his opponent he rolled on his back and flung the guard into the air.

Ryoko's speed and strength were sufficient to take out the rest of the opposition. Soon all of the guards were down, but so were a lot of the prisoners. The battle hadn't been without casualties. That many gunshots fired into such a dense mass of people had resulted in many fatalities.

"Oh my gawd…" Tenchi grimaced, as he looked down at the floor, for he had never seen a dead man before.

"I'm going to be sick," Nobuyuki groaned.

"Well do it on your own time, 'cause we're getting out of here!" Ryoko said as she tossed Tenchi's father a gun. "They locked the door behind them, so shoot the first guy who comes through the door!"

"Sh-shoot?" Nobuyuki stammered as his tanned face lost some of its color. "As in, 'kill someone'? I'm not sure I can do that!"

"Grandpa?" Tenchi turned to the old man.

Katsuhito Yosho sighed and picked up a discarded gun. "If they weren't going to kill us and dispose of our bodies before, they'll certainly do it now."

Tenchi nodded and retrieved a weapon for himself.

"Say you're pretty rugged there, kiddo," Ryoko winked at the boy. "Stick with me and I'll show you a few pointers if we get out of this."

"Sh-sure," Tenchi nodded weakly.

"Quiet," the old man hissed. "Take cover, I hear more gunfire outside."

"They must be executing hold after hold of prisoners!" Ryoko exclaimed. "Shoot the first guy you see!"

At that moment the door hissed open and a guard flew into the room to tumble onto the floor and lie still. A high-pitched shriek was heard, but it didn't come from the guard, it came from the somersaulting girl with the long purple hair who dove into the room after him. "All right you lot!" the girl circled keeping her gun pointed at as many foes as possible while her scarlet eyes shone with ferocity. "You better release Tenchi Masaki or my sister will kill your captain—Tenchi! You're safe! You're all right!" The girl dropped her weapon and dashed over to the boy and tackled him in a tearful embrace.

"I… Ayeka?" Tenchi gasped. "What are you doing here?"

"I thought I lost you!" she sobbed as tears flowed from her lovely scarlet eyes. "I thought that I'd never see you again!"

"Did I miss something or did Tenchi's ex-girlfriend just rescue us?" Yosho shouldered his weapon.

"Who knew that having a stalker would come in so handy?" Nobuyuki added.

"Come on, Tenchi, we have to get you out of here," Ayeka said as she clasped his hand and pulled him towards the door. "Sasami should be waiting for us in my ship, the _Ryu-oh_.

Before she could leave the hold her other hand was seized by Ryoko, who started pumping in up and down as if she was trying to get water out of a well. "Hi, I'm Ryoko," the pirate greeted in an overly cheerful manner. "Did you just say that you have a spaceship?"

_Next: Time Out_


	4. Time Out

**Yosho's Seven**

By Galaxy 1001D

"_Tenchi Muyo" and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer/Funimation. "Blakes Seven" all related material are © BBC. This parody has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer/Funimation, the BBC, the author, or this website._

_Based on "Blake's Seven" created by Terry Nation _

_And "Tenchi Muyo" created by Masaki Kajishima _

_Chapter Four: Time Out_

Space Commander Kiyone Makibi couldn't believe her good fortune. The teal haired beauty had just graduated from the Federation Space Academy and suddenly she was appointed senior executive officer of Space Command Headquarters as space commander! Kiyone couldn't understand it. It had to be a mistake of some sort. Either that or the new Administration was desperate to find an officer who wasn't guilty of corruption to place in charge of Operations in this sector! Either way it didn't matter! She was going to seize this opportunity with both hands and not let go!

Kiyone Makibi strutted down the corridor of Federation Space Headquarters, showing off her new uniform. And to think that just yesterday she had only been a lowly 2nd lieutenant! Who knew that the military offered such opportunities to young and talented officers? Her childhood friend Mihoshi Kuramitsu may have dropped out of the Academy to become a bimbo Presidential intern, but Kiyone was made of sterner stuff.

Beaming with pride she marched into the reception area outside office of the Supreme Commander all Terran Federation Military Forces. She had heard that the President had appointed a new Supreme Commander yesterday to replace the last one who had been assassinated. The new Supreme Commander was a political appointee, not someone who had worked up the ranks but if she was willing to promote a green 2nd lieutenant to space commander Kiyone wasn't about to complain.

"Space Commander Kiyone Makibi reporting to the Supreme Commander as ordered!" the young commander gave an elaborate salute and clicked her heels. She smirked at the redheaded Mitsuki, her graduating classmate who was now serving at the Supreme Commander's receptionist. No doubt that conniving witch thought that being the Supreme Commander's lapdog was the fastest way to a promotion instead of going out and taking risks. Shows what she knows!

"The Supreme Commander will see you now," Mitsuki muttered coldly, her jealousy at Kiyone's rank visible on her face.

"It's okay, Mitsuki, you don't have to salute me or anything," Kiyone teased. "Keep up the good work and I'm sure you'll make major in no time."

"Humph!" Mitsuki grunted as she buzzed Kiyone in.

The interior of the Supreme Commander's office had a lounge and bar in the same room as the desk. Pink ribbons decorated formerly pristine white walls. The couch was dominated by a collection of stuffed animals. Behind the massive desk was the last person Kiyone expected to see…

"Kiyone!" Mihoshi Kuramitsu gushed as her face lit up in a dazzling smile. She was clad in a beautiful pink evening gown and looked more like a fairy princess then the Supreme Commander of Earth's armed forces.

"Mihoshi!" Kiyone gasped. "What are you doing here? What are you doing sitting behind the Supreme Commander's desk? Are you crazy? If the Supreme Commander catches you in that chair it will spell the end for both of us! We'll be shining shoes for the rest of our days!"

"Calm down Kiyone, I work here," Mihoshi waved off her worries. "Isn't it great? After I flunked out of the Space Academy I thought we would never see each other again! But now we get to work together! Isn't it great?"

"Uh… yeah…" Kiyone smiled weakly. "It's great. Sue-perb. Wonderful. Just don't sit at the Supreme Commander's desk all right? This promotion means the world to me, and I don't want either one of us to mess it up!"

"Oh don't worry about the Supreme Commander Kiyone," Mihoshi smiled. "President Kagato made me Supreme Commander yesterday."

"He _what_?"

"That's right," the blonde nodded. "I got the appointment. Out of the blue. One minute I was doing admin work at the Presidential Palace and the next I was appointed Supreme Commander of all armed forces. Life can be funny, huh Kiyone?"

"You've got to be kidding!" Kiyone protested. "No one in their right mind would appoint an inexperienced accident prone intern to Supreme Commander! He'd have to be out of his mind!"

"Well maybe he would," Mihoshi shrugged. "The last few Supreme Commanders have been pretty clumsy. Remember Supreme Commander Fuller who accidentally brutally slashed his own throat while shaving? And Supreme Commander Castle, who walked into that empty elevator shaft?"

"Did it ever occur to you that they may have been assassinated?" Kiyone whispered. "Neither one of them lasted a month at their post."

"You're being silly Kiyone," the blonde giggled. "Why would the Administration be covering up murders of their top personnel instead of investigating them?"

"You don't really think that Supreme Commander Bronson _accidentally_ stabbed himself in the stomach while combing his hair?"

"Well that almost happened to me," Mihoshi blushed. "But don't worry. I've learned my lesson. I won't run with scissors in my hand any more!"

"Ooh," Kiyone pinched the bridge of her nose to alleviate the headache she was getting. It was pretty obvious how Mihoshi got the job of Supreme Commander. President Kagato had simply appointed the member of his staff he deemed the least threatening and the most expendable! "Wait a second! Did _you_ promote me to space commander?"

"I sure did, Kiyone!" Mihoshi gushed. "Promoting you was the first thing I did after being sworn in to my new position! Well, first I apologized for bumping into Councilor Traven and knocking him off the podium, and then I got lost on my way to the starport, but promoting you was the first thing I did in a _official_ capacity!"

"So that means… I owe my promotion to _you_?" Kiyone's voice sounded like she was having trouble breathing.

"That's right!" the blonde smiled. "There's no need to thank me! I know that you'll do a great job! You graduated first in your class and just need someone to give you a chance to show the universe what you're made of! I know that you'll make the galaxy a safe place again, I just know it!"

"Heh-heh," Kiyone laughed weakly. "Thanks, Mihoshi."

This was getting worse and worse! There was no way a brainless bubblehead like Mihoshi would recognize the dangers around her. The cutthroat politics of those in real power could be deadly! It had gotten worse during President Servelan's tenure and now sweet naïve Mihoshi was given more power than she could handle!

"Are you feeling well, Kiyone?" the new Supreme Commander asked with concern. "Maybe you better sit down."

Kiyone nodded weakly, and then collapsed into a chair. She leaned over and covered her face with her hands. As Mihoshi's biggest supporter, Kiyone was in danger too! If anything happened to the Supreme Commander, Kiyone's career and perhaps her life could be forfeit! For the first time, Kiyone Makibi began to regret joining the military and wished she was working in a flower shop or a shoe store.

* * *

Meanwhile, hundreds of lightyears in out in space the luxury space yacht _Ryu-oh_, was retracting its boarding tube and moving away from the _London_. On board the space pirate Ryoko was admiring her new surroundings. "Wow, a racing yacht, _Tsunami_-class no less! This makes a _great_ escape ship. You really know how to travel, Princess."

"Excuse me, but I don't remember inviting you," Ayeka protested.

"That's okay," Ryoko shrugged. "I kind of invited myself."

"Okay! Time out!" Ayeka turned to Tenchi and his relatives. "I don't think we should harbor a wanted criminal. We should find someplace to drop her off the first chance we get."

"What's the big deal?" Ryoko put her hands on her hips. "We're _all_ wanted criminals now."

"What do you mean?" Ayeka sneered. "Are you calling me a _criminal_?"

"She as a point," Katsuhito scratched the side of his head. "I don't think the authorities will forgive you for attacking a prison ship and releasing some of the convicts."

Ayeka's ruby red eyes bulged in horror and all color left her face. "Uh…"

"That's right, Princess," Ryoko said as she resumed her assessment of the _Ryo-oh_, "Looks like you're a wanted criminal now. If you want to stay out of jail you're going to need someone one who's used to living on the wrong side of the law."

"This can't be happening!" Ayeka pulled at her luxurious purple hair.

"Ayeka, you _did_ realize that after you rescued me you couldn't go back to your old life didn't you?" Tenchi asked her.

"I-I-I-I…" Ayeka stammered.

"Wow she looks just like she did when Tenchi broke up with her," Nobuyuki whispered into Katsuhito's ear.

Ryoko seized the dazed aristocrat's arm. "Look Princess, you better get a hold of yourself. You've got to convert your money into something they can't trace before the authorities freeze your assets."

"Don't touch me!" Ayeka tore free of Ryoko's grasp. "And stop calling me 'Princess!' My name is Ayeka!"

"You're name is going to be mud if you don't do as I say," Ryoko smiled mischievously. "The guys I was locked up with would _love_ a sweet young thing like you."

"Eeeg!" Ayeka grimaced in horror.

"Look, this is your last chance," Ryoko put her hand on Ayeka's shoulder. "If you don't want to be on the run for the rest of your life, you better fire the plasma bolts and get rid of the witnesses."

Tenchi gasped in horror. Ryoko had seemed like such a nice girl and now she was suggesting murdering everyone aboard the _London_ without batting an eyelash!

"Oh that's a great idea," Ayeka sneered sarcastically. "There are just two little drawbacks to your plan. One, we don't have any plasma bolts, and two: We _don't_ have any plasma bolts! This is a luxury racing yacht, not a warship! The most we have is navigational deflectors to survive collisions with space debris! That's… it!"

Tenchi gagged when he realized the Ayeka didn't point out the moral implications of mass murder, merely the impossibility of doing it properly.

"Well I guess you better convert your riches into liquid assets then," Ryoko suggested. "It's hard paying people off to look the other way when you're broke. Trust me on that one."

"Oh no!" Ayeka grimaced. "What have I done? I've taken my entire life and flushed it down the waste disposal chute! I've turned my sister and I into fugitives!" She collapsed to her knees and covered her face with her hands.

As the girl started weeping, Tenchi knelt beside her and patted her shoulder. "Its all right, Ayeka, we'll get through this somehow, I promise."

"Oh Tenchi," the girl smiled at him with tear-filled eyes. "Even if I've lost everything I still have _you_."

Tenchi gulped as he realized that he was the obsession of a girl who would do _anything _to keep him.

* * *

In the meantime Ryoko walked up into the cockpit to find an adorable little girl with skyblue hair sitting in the copilot's seat. "Hey, you're not Ayeka!" the child exclaimed.

"That's right, I'm not," Ryoko nodded as she sat in the pilot's seat, "But don't worry. She's aboard. You can hear her whining and crying now."

The girl cupped her ear with her hand and tilted her head to listen. "Oh that's right. I can."

"I'm Ryoko, I'm a space pirate, what is your name?" Ryoko smiled as she extended her hand.

"I'm Sasami, I'm Ayeka's sister," the girl replied as she shook hands with the sexy space pirate.

"You must be the cute one," Ryoko teased. "Hey, Sasami, we need to make a withdrawal at the bank. Your sister needs to convert her riches into something portable and untraceable. Do you have your sister's access codes and PIN numbers?"

"Yes, I think," Sasami nodded.

"Good, let's head to the nearest bank," Ryoko said as she fiddled with the navigational controls. "Here we go, time distort nine!" With that, the racing yacht _Ryo-oh_ soared through the inky blackness of space.

"Was Ayeka able to rescue Tenchi?" the girl asked.

"Sure, we sprung his dad and his grandpa too," Ryoko winked. "They're in the back. Go see for yourself."

"Did you hear that, Ryo-ohki?" She said to sleeping mammal that appeared to be a cross between a kitten and a baby rabbit. "We rescued Tenchi!"

"Meow!" the rabbit thing smiled as it followed Sasami out of the cockpit.

Ryoko leaned back in the pilot's seat and broke into song: "Terra Firma here we come… Right back where we started from…"

"Hey you!" Ayeka's voice heralded her entrance to the bridge. "What do you think you are doing?"

"I'm hijacking your ship, what else?" Ryoko replied calmly.

"You've got some nerve!" Ayeka sneered. "This is my ship and you're outnumbered!"

"Oh, in that case I'm taking you to the bank," Ryoko corrected.

"The bank? What for?"

"To withdraw your funds before the authorities seize them," the pirate replied.

"What?" Ayeka sputtered. "Are you trying to rob me?"

"Eventually," Ryoko admitted, "but let's face it, when word gets around that you instigated a prison break, the government will take every penny you have. If you want to keep what you can you better move fast. New identities cost money y'know. So does spaceship fuel."

"Oh this isn't happening…" Ayeka groaned.

"Hey I got an idea," Ryoko offered. "You're pretty good in a fight, and you and your sister pulled this off like pros. Why don't you join me and become a pirate? We can use your money to trick out your yacht, add some weapons, increase your shield strength and have a nice little pirate ship, what do you say?"

"Become a lowly space pirate?" Growled a seething Ayeka. "Not in a million years!"

"Oh, a political activist, huh?" Ryoko asked. "That's okay. I've been looking for a cause I can believe in. You want to form a rebel group is that it? I've been thinking of doing the same thing. We could call ourselves 'Ryoko's Renegades' or 'Ayeka's Ass-kickers'. Sounds pretty tough huh?"

"Become a _rebel_?" Ayeka gasped in horror. "So soon after the Andromedan attack? I think that it's in humanity's best interest to remain part of the Federation don't you?"

"The Terran Federation is old and decrepit," Ryoko snorted. "It's crumbling under its own corruption. It needs to be torn down and rebuilt from the ground up if it wants to survive. But hey, I was just tossing out options. What do you think we should do?"

"I… I don't know," Ayeka sat down in the copilot's chair in defeat.

"That's what I thought," Ryoko nodded. "Look it's a hard life for a girl on the run. It's still a man's galaxy out there. We ladies gotta stick together. Let's get a hold of your money and then we can decide what to do with it."

"If you try to disappear with my money I'll hunt you down and destroy you!" Ayeka warned her.

"You'll have to get in line," Ryoko smiled evilly, "and I gotta warn you, it's a long one!"

_Next: The Net_


	5. The Net

**Yosho's Seven**

By Galaxy 1001D

"_Tenchi Muyo" and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer/Funimation. "Blakes Seven" all related material are © BBC. Additional material by George Lucas. This parody has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer/Funimation, the BBC, the author, or this website._

_Based on "Blake's Seven" created by Terry Nation _

_And "Tenchi Muyo" created by Masaki Kajishima _

_Chapter Five: The Net_

Situated in Capital One on Earth was the headquarters of the most powerful bank in the Terran Federation, Finance-Net, or as it was coommonly called, 'the Net'. Finance-Net's powerful computers handled the finances for the most powerful families in the Federation, including the fortune of the fabulously wealthy Ayeka Jurai.

Even so, this was not a good time for the banks. With the Terran Federation fraying apart at the seams, many people were making a run on the banks. So far the banks had responded by making it as inconvenient as possible to withdraw large amounts of money. For example, Finance-Net added the most invasive confirmation process in the known galaxy.

"Is it finished yet?" Ayeka asked as she stood in the scanning area.

"Almost Miss Jurai," the banking technician replied as he studied a three dimensional image of Ayeka in the nude. Ayeka's image changed to show a cross-section of her body that exposed her internal organs. In the meantime information on her DNA, dental records, retinal pattern, fingerprints and brainwaves appeared on another screen. "All right, Miss Jurai. You're you. Now we can continue."

Sasami sat nearby pushing buttons on a tiny hand computer while Ryo-ohki rolled around on the lush carpet. A female private security guard wearing a paramilitary uniform in the Jurai family's colors stood silently at attention.

"All right," Ayeka nodded. "Now as I said, I need to convert my entire account into gold, gems, and other liquid assets."

"I'm afraid that will require a rectal exam," the banking technician shrugged.

"Oh dear," Ayeka grumbled. "How humiliating." Deep down, she knew the rectal exam was just another way for the Net to discourage large withdrawals, but there was no other way if she didn't want delays. There was no telling how long it would take for news of her felony in space to reach Earth and here she was leaving a trail a kilometer wide for the authorities to follow! She should have simply followed the _London_ to Cygnus Alpha and rescued Tenchi there.

* * *

After five minutes of painful probing, Ayeka got dressed and returned to the office where Sasami was converting funds into gold, platinum and precious gems. The little hand the child used computer was so sophisticated that even a nine-year-old could act as a professional accountant. The female private security guard stood at attention behind Sasami as the little girl worked. Ryo-ohki dozed on the girl's head.

"Ah, Lady Ayeka, now that we have verified your identity we can open the vault," the bank president said.

"Thank heaven," Ayeka sighed as she passed the female security guard wearing her family's colors to collapse in a chair.

The bank president tapped a code into his computer and allowed the scanner to view his eye. "There, the vault is open," he told her. "Shouldn't be long now. Still, don't you wish to reconsider?"

Suddenly the security guard removed her hat to reveal spiky cyan white hair. She pulled a snub-nosed pistol out of her pocket and put her arm around Ayeka's neck. "Okay, hands in the air!" Ryoko ordered as she put the barrel of her gun to the side of Ayeka's head. "This is a stickup! If you don't want to see the inside of this brat's empty head you'll do as I say!"

"You traitor!" Ayeka screeched. "How could you do this to me?"

"Don't hurt Ayeka!" Sasami cried, tears moistening her pink eyes.

"How did you get that in here?" the bank president gasped.

"Get out of the way old man, and lie down on the ground!" Ryoko ordered. She dragged Ayeka to the bank president's desk and used her elbow to push the banker to the ground. "Okay, hold still, Princess, this will only take a minute!" She shoved Ayeka's face against the desk as she typed at the computer's keyboard with one hand. "This should transfer a fortune into my dummy accounts… Done it! Now to access my virus to erase my tracks… Okay! Let's get out of here! " She pulled Ayeka up to her feet by the back of her collar and pistol-whipped the bank president as he tried to rise to his feet. "Okay, let's go! Come on Sasami! We're leaving!"

The door opened and two of the bank's security guards entered carrying a heavy box each. Ryoko leapt into the air and knocked them both unconscious with a circle kick.

"Okay, Ayeka, pick up those chests!" the pirate ordered. "We're getting out of here!"

Sasami hugged Ryo-ohki and closed her eyes as Ayeka staggered under the weight of the heavy boxes.

"You monster!" Ayeka squawked indignantly as Ryoko pushed her out the door with her pistol. "Why did I trust you?"

"Come on Sasami!" Ryoko said as she picked the girl up by the back of her collar. "Let's scoot!"

In the main lobby, the three girls were met by a squad of security guards being led by an officer. "Surrender," the officer ordered officiously. "You are outnumbered and only have one weapon. There is no way you can possibly escape justice now."

Ryoko pointed her gun directly at the officer. "Buddy, I'm Ryoko the space pirate," she smirked as she saw him nervously eye the pistol she was carrying. "Savvy?"

* * *

Soon the three girls were outside, running for their lives while carrying heavy boxes full of valuables. They dashed down the bank steps and into a waiting robocab. "Welcome to Robocab Taxi's," a speaker inside the vehicle greeted. "We hope your travel experience is a pleasant one. What is your destination?"

"Take us to the starport, and hurry!" Ryoko ordered.

"You fiend!" Ayeka scowled as the automated taxi drove away. "What now? Are you going to shoot us?"

"Don't be stupid," Ryoko smiled knowingly. "This gun is fake."

"What?"

"How do you think I was able to get it past the scanners in the first place?" Ryoko giggled. "If this was a real gun we couldn't have gotten within ten meters of the front door." She pointed the gun at Ayeka and pulled the trigger. A tiny stream of water hit the lavender-haired aristocrat's face. "See? It's a squirt gun. Totally harmless."

"So you were never going to shoot us?" Sasami gasped.

"No, of course not," Ryoko grinned. "You two are my partners. I would never do anything to break us up."

"Partners!" Ayeka sputtered. "That'll be the day! Just what was the idea with robbing the bank, Ryoko? I thought I was simply going to withdraw all the funds I could!"

"Come on, this is just a fraction of the wealth you're used to," Ryoko insisted. "You would have gone crazy out there in space having to count your credits. This way we're loaded, and the universe is our oyster."

"Why is this happening to me?" Ayeka whined.

* * *

In the meantime, Tenchi Masaki and Katsuhito Yosho were meeting with Dokuzen Tsuchida's rebels.

"So it's agreed?" old Dokuzen asked. "You'll join us?"

"Yes," Yosho replied, "but since our jailbreak the authorities will be looking for us. Tenchi and I will bring too much heat down on you if we stay. We can best serve the cause by recruiting from the outer planets. If we stay here we are dead men."

"A death mark's not an easy thing to live with," Dokuzen nodded. "Good luck, my friend. I hate to lose you."

"I'll try to keep in touch," Yosho smiled as he shook Dokuzen's hand. "Keep the home fires burning." He turned to go. "Tenchi!" he shouted. "We're leaving! Tenchi!"

In a corner of the room, Tenchi and the winsome Sakuya had their arms around each other, their lips locked in a passionate kiss.

"Tenchi! Boy!" Katsuhito shouted. "Enough of that! We're leaving! Every minute we stay we put these people in danger! Let's go!"

"Aww," Tenchi sighed as he pried himself away from Sakuya's embrace. "Okay grandpa. Sorry, Sakuya, gotta go."

"Write to me!" the teenage girl waved with teary eyes as the boy followed his grandfather out.

* * *

Outside, Tenchi and his grandfather made their way back to Ayeka's private hanger. Public transportation was risky but they had to chance it. Soon they were walking through the starport district towards the hanger.

"Are you sure we want to go back to Ayeka?" Tenchi asked his grandfather. "I mean… she _is_ kind of possessive."

"She's possessive to the point of obsession," Yosho agreed, "but she and her sister managed to break us out of a prison ship with almost no planning. She's a natural at being both a warrior and resistance fighter. We aren't endangering her anyway. She'll be a wanted criminal when word of our escape reaches Earth. Besides, she has the fastest ship we can get a hold of at short notice. It's not like we have a lot of choices."

"I know, but she freaks me out!" the boy protested.

"Show her a little compassion," the old man suggested. "You and Sasami can keep her in line."

"I'd rather not encourage her," Tenchi admitted nervously. "She's crazy enough that she'll kill to keep from losing me! I just hope that I'm not the one she wipes out!"

As they walked through the spaceport and hanger district they didn't notice a black-cloaked figure following them through the crowd. The figure could have been an alien visitor to planet Earth, for not a single centimeter of skin was exposed and the gasmask the stalker wore had a breath filter that was so long it resembled an anteater's proboscis.

"Anyway, it's a good thing that the space pirate Ryoko has taken a shine to you," Yosho shrugged as they walked into the hanger containing Ayeka's ship. "We have access to a _Tsunami_ class racing yacht and if she's as good a pilot as she's boasting we ought to do well." Nobuyuki and Sasami met them at the archway and ushered them inside.

Once out of the sun and into the shade, Tenchi draped the orange cape that he was holding around his shoulders. The black-cloaked alien in the gasmask hid in the archway of a hanger across the street and made a strange kazoo like noise into a handheld communications device.

When Tenchi entered the hanger he stopped and gaped at the sight before him. "What a piece of junk!" he exclaimed disdainfully.

Ryoko looked up from where she was polishing a shabby apparatus about a meter tall and a third of a meter wide. "Hey, I just spent an hour getting this thing to work!" she protested.

"What _is_ that silly thing?" Tenchi asked as Sasami, Nobuyuki, and Yosho entered the _Tsunami_ class space yacht _Ryu-oh_."

"It's a robot," Ryoko said proudly. "I found it in a garage sale on the way back here with Ayeka's money. I think the little guy will be really handy around the spaceship, don't you agree? Ayeka wouldn't let me put this thing back together in her precious spaceship, so I'm working on it out here. What do you think, huh?"

"I think you need to take that thing back in the junkyard where you found it," Tenchi sighed.

"Come on, this thing will interface with the ship and give us a talking spaceship," the pirate gushed. "All the cool resistance fighters with spaceships have a talking ship! Now we'll have one too! He may not look like much, but he's got it where it counts, kid. I've made a lot of special modifications myself, but if you don't care, get out here," she teased.

"Sure, have fun with that," Tenchi said as he entered Ayeka's spaceship.

Outside on the street a squad of Federation troopers marched, clad in their black bodysuits and wearing a different style of black gas mask than the black-cloaked alien. Each one had a carbine like weapon in their hands. The black-garbed alien darted out of its hiding place to meet the troopers.

"Which way?" the Federation trooper at the front of the squad asked.

The alien made strange kazoo sounds and gestured at the entrance to Ayeka's hanger.

"All right men, load your weapons!" ordered the lead trooper as the others followed him into the hanger.

Ryoko was almost completely unprepared when a squad of Federation troops entered the hanger.

"Stop that ship!" the lead trooper ordered. "Blast them!"

A shot from a Federation carbine riddled the robot with holes. Ryoko pulled a hidden pistol out of her clothing. Her laser pistol resembled the Mauser C96 'broomhandle' pistol that was made famous by the M712 _Schnellfeuer_ version used by the German Wehrmacht during World War II. After trading shots with the Federations troopers she dashed onboard _Ryu-oh_ and shut the air lock. "Ayeka get us out of here!" she ordered.

Tenchi and his family strapped themselves in with the emergency straps hidden in the furniture. "Oh my, I'd forgotten how much I hate space travel," Nobuyuki groaned.

As Ayeka was emerged from the bathroom, Ryoko knocked her down in her haste to get to the cockpit. "Yi!" the aristocrat squeaked.

The _Ryu-oh_ soared out of the open hanger and into the sky. Soon the ship had left the atmosphere and was flying through space.

In the cockpit, Sasami had to strain to push the buttons while being held by copilot's chair's seatbelt. She was short and didn't have very long arms.

"Looks like a Federation pursuit ship, news must have travelled faster than we thought," Ryoko said as she moved from the pilot's chair to the navigator's station. "Try to hold them off. Angle the deflector shields while I make the calculations for jumpspeed."

The space yacht soared bast a triangluar pursuit ship, but two more appeared from behind the moon.

"Stay sharp!" Ryoko ordered. "There's two more coming in! There going to try to cut us off!"

Ayeka chose that moment to dash into the control room. "Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said you could make this ship go fast!"

"Watch your mouth girl, or you'll find youself floating home!" the pirate snapped. "Well be safe enough once we get to jump speed. Besides, I know a few manuevers, we'll lose 'em."

"Get out of my chair!" Ayeka screeched as she reached for the controls. Outside, the ship spun erratically, causing all of the plasma bolts fired at it to miss. Back in the cockpit, Ryoko knocked Ayeka out using a quick blow from her elbow to the purple haired girl's face.

"Here's were the fun begins," Ryoko smiled as the aristocrat hit the floor.

Katsuhito Yosho entered the cockpit. "How long before we can make the hop to jumpspeed?" he asked as Tenchi followed him.

"It will take a few moments to get the coordinates from the navacomputer," the pirate replied tersely.

"Are you kidding? At the rate they're gaining?" Tenchi screeched in disbelief.

"Traveling trough hyperspace ain't like doing homework, boy!" Ryoko roared. "Without precise calculations we'd fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova and that would end your trip real quick wouldn't it?"

A red light lit up on the console accompanied by an electronic whirring. "What's that flashing?" Tenchi asked as he pointed over Ryoko's shoulder.

"We're losing our deflector shield!" Ryoko replied as she slapped the boy's hand away. "Go strap yourselves in!" she gestured with her thumb to the hallway. "I'm going to make the hop to jump speed!"

As Tenchi and his grandfather left the cockpit. On the floor, Ayeka made a low noise that sounded like an injured walrus.

Sasami and Ryoko ignored Ayeka and operated the ship's controls. Through the cockpit window, the stars elongated into lines as the ship disappeared into hyperspace.

_Next: Seek Locate Arrest_


End file.
